Semi-coherent thoughts

Ever notice how freaking boring conversations are at other tables in restaurants?

2012-03-11T15:44:00.000-04:00

Well we were talking about a relative's attempted marriage annulment and how this makes her kids "illegitimate".

At least, we were on "our game".

Why not give peace a chance?

2012-03-11T08:52:00.001-04:00

Or is that not good for ratings?

Harrassing the overly drunken

2012-03-10T16:25:00.001-05:00

Not even Kony would be so cruel!

Now that these primaries are moving to the South

2012-03-10T11:19:00.001-05:00

"I hope Mitt Romney will remember.

A Southern man don't need him around anyhow!"

You know I was thinking....

2012-03-10T07:39:00.000-05:00

....if they could build really big tricycles for adults.....and you know like have them custom-made for each person to fit the exact dimensions of their body.....

....I still wouldn't buy one.

I mean that's dumb.

Hey, you ever think of like mini personal hot air balloons?

Yeah what you could do is....

Hey, another strong Jobs Report!

2012-03-09T21:38:00.000-05:00

"Says who?!"

The plight of an apartment manager

2012-03-09T16:49:00.002-05:00

You know, you check their reverences, credit history, make sure they look clean. All that.

And you STILL get this garbage!

Did not go to college for this.

You know there's pee on everything right?

2012-03-09T11:44:00.000-05:00

Like microscopically.

And like all over! Not just toilet seats and the aftermath of Larry Craig's airport stall.

I think we really need a "plumbing revolution".

That and more people doing the "hygiene thing".

Or we could just say "screw it".

We might at a crossroads as a society here.

I am in this restaurant right now and I NEED TO KNOW....

2012-03-09T08:06:00.008-05:00

....when does a game of peek-a-boo end?

Let me tell you, this cute little girl in the next booth has some MAJOR stamina!

She's even blown through a cell phone call on my end.

I've got an adventurous nine year old boy who would love this.

Not really complaining but you know like when?

So this "solar flare" armageddon thing was a dud!

2012-03-08T21:48:00.000-05:00

Sure glad I held off on the cannibalism!

I only have like three knives

2012-03-08T15:35:00.000-05:00

And none are even long.

Or electric.

I would like to have Thanksgiving dinner at my place one year but....

Rotisserie chicken is even hard.

I usually just end up tearing it apart with my hands.

But it's freaking hot!

Just treading water here.

That's why I would bring a telephone cord to this class!

2012-03-08T11:15:00.000-05:00

That's how you deal with passive-aggressive people!

The guy wants to be a smart-aleck?

Getting a little nervous about these solar flares that are supposed to hit our planet today

2012-03-08T01:00:00.001-05:00

My solution?

Why not strap Rush Limbaugh onto the International Space Station and test the affects of the radiation on him? You know with invasive probes and everything. Leave the space suit on Earth of course.

Canary in a coal mine.

It would give us a couple hours notice of what we are in for anyway.

Got a better idea?

Overheard an "elderly lady" conversation yesterday

2012-03-07T15:41:00.002-05:00

Unfortunately it turned racist real fast.

?????

At least blame a tumor or somethin'!

(Not these two ladies. There's only a couple dollars in our "lawsuit fund" right now)

Good thing the cole slaw industry has no "money back guarantee"....

2012-03-07T11:38:00.002-05:00

....or else they would have been out of business some time ago.

I once saw a ferret eating some.

Can't wait until the Republican Convention!

2012-03-07T07:56:00.001-05:00

Gonna party like it's 1945!

"Don't sound rich! Don't sound rich! Don't sound rich!"

2012-03-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

Mitt's pre-speech mantra tonight.

Watching Newt Gingrich's "victory" speech right now

2012-03-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

100% white.

And it's at someplace called "The Waverly".

I seriously doubt if his screeners had to turn anybody away at the door.

Then again, I would bet that non-white Georgians have never been to "The Waverly" or even know where it is. Or even care.

Nine out of ten carnival workers selling tickets....

2012-03-06T16:37:00.000-05:00

....are Nick Nolte.

Incidentally, he asked me if I was interested in some nitrous out back.

I guess they filled up all their balloons for the day and had some extras.

Told him I just wanted to ride "The Caterpillar" and he was cool with that.

Bought two t-shirts at Target today

2012-03-06T11:18:00.001-05:00

Set for the year!

SO glad that's over.

We're gonna go with "no comment" on this one!

2012-03-06T07:54:00.003-05:00

Can't escape the gothic

2012-03-05T16:27:00.001-05:00

It's all around you, you know.

Hey old people!

2012-03-05T11:24:00.002-05:00

There ain't no place on the entire planet where the speed limit is 4!

Google it!

Ok, google is....

I wasn't wondering where Rush Limbaugh lived....

2012-03-05T08:07:00.002-05:00

....when those tornadoes hit in all those states.

Never crossed my mind

Did Hans Solo have the responsibility to feed Chewbacca?

2012-03-04T16:12:00.001-05:00

You know like a pet?

Or could Chewbacca get his own food?

It makes a big difference with regards to the "subservient" factor, you know.

The other sponsors were not "proud".....

2012-03-04T09:19:00.000-05:00

....because they were harrassed and bullied into it!

Kids constantly at the door begging for money.......with bats behind their back. Threatening to bounce their basketballs outside all night. And other unmentionable threats.

They felt ashamed to be harrassed and bullied.

So not "proud" sponsors.

If God will only hang out with you in the afterlife if you give his hierarchy money....

2012-03-03T16:16:00.002-05:00

....maybe God is not so cool.

No lightning bolts yet!

I was so enthused by Ted Nugent's endorsement of Mitt Romney....

2012-03-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

....I went out and killed an animal.

Not registered to vote so I can't help Mitt there.

But I did my part.

Hey, how do you get bodily fluids out of a printer?

2012-03-02T16:21:00.001-05:00

Oh, asking for a friend!

Maricopa County, Arizona sheriff Joe Arpaoi....

2012-03-02T11:49:00.001-05:00

....held a press conference yesterday to declare that Obama's birth certificate is a "forgery".

It's good to see that all crimes have been solved in Maricopa County!

The first person to eat a lobster

2012-03-02T07:31:00.001-05:00

One hungry dude!

How do you say...

2012-03-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

"You look like a freakin' woman with that God-awful ponytail"........without being rude.

Someone I know needs to hear this.

Just got around to reading a book I got at a used book sale

2012-03-01T11:24:00.001-05:00

Found a pornographic letter some guy wrote to his girlfriend in it.

I find it vile and disgusting.......every time I read it!

Davy Jones and Whitney Houston are NOT hanging out with each other in heaven

2012-03-01T07:39:00.001-05:00

Just a hunch.

My favorite Leap Day movie!

2012-02-29T16:04:00.000-05:00

Watch it every year this day!

Santorum rails against birth control

2012-02-29T14:27:00.000-05:00

Snooki is pregnant?

Correlation equals causation, you know.

The drivers from any state that borders yours?

2012-02-29T11:09:00.002-05:00

Always terrible!

Crimes committed on Leap Day?

2012-02-29T07:37:00.001-05:00

Legally, it's like they never happened.

Judges throw this stuff out all the time.

It's not a day!

Can't escape the gothic

2012-02-28T16:38:00.002-05:00

It's all around you, you know.

Just zoomed onto my house on google maps

2012-02-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

Left my garage door open!

Heading home.

Santorum's wife says his running for President is "God's will"

2012-02-28T08:03:00.002-05:00

God goes out of his way to embarrass Christians?

Not buying it.

"Aw screw it!"

2012-02-27T18:06:00.000-05:00

The guy assigned to name the first hot air balloon.

I consume everything everybody else gave up for Lent

2012-02-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

Otherwise, there is an overabundance of stuff!

Your welcome.

Hey, the rent's cheap!

2012-02-27T07:35:00.001-05:00

Just once I would like to be awoken in the middle of the night to be advised of a National Security issue

2012-02-26T15:17:00.001-05:00

"USE MAXIMUM FORCE!"

Then I'm goin' back down.

(Too much deliberation and you won't get back to sleep)

You can wear pajamas and slippers to the grocery store

2012-02-26T07:33:00.001-05:00

You just can't buy wine, right?

Man, I'm gonna have to start taking naps!

2012-02-25T16:06:00.001-05:00

This getting up really early to siphon gas from my neighbors' cars* is really running me down.

*Was SO bummed when one of them bought an "ethanol" model!

Went to the dentist today

2012-02-25T09:49:00.001-05:00

Don't have to floss for 5 1/2 months!

Rick Santorum's tax returns show he is worth almost $1 million!

2012-02-24T16:06:00.001-05:00

And that's worth even more where he lives in 1953!

Hey Burger King delivers!

2012-02-24T10:57:00.001-05:00

I am not sure I want Burger King to know where I live, but Burger King delivers!

Ok, I give in!

2012-02-24T07:42:00.000-05:00

I'll support him for Presidon't.

I'd like to thank my parents for not being druggies!

2012-02-23T16:28:00.001-05:00

It seems like things would have been much more difficult if that was going on growing up.

Not what I would have needed.

People in rusted out cars constantly coming and going? None of that!

Could've been you!

2012-02-23T10:51:00.001-05:00

But you were just "too cool" for band camp in junior high, remember?

Every place has it's "undesirables"

2012-02-23T07:40:00.002-05:00

The 5:00 AM thing does give them a few hours of respite though.

The Republican crowd booed "birth control" at the GOP debate tonight

2012-02-22T22:34:00.000-05:00

I think they just misheard it as "Jerry Sandusky".

No other explanation possible.

The economy is looking up

2012-02-22T16:01:00.001-05:00

Unemployment is down.

His poll numbers are up.

But Ghost Rider 2 happened on his watch.

VERY problematic!

Never lost a "who's scar is bigger?" contest

2012-02-22T11:55:00.003-05:00

Physical or emotional!

Smoked meat cologne!

2012-02-22T07:19:00.000-05:00

Anybody know any patent attorneys?

CASH4GOLD seems like one of those companies where everybody gets to be Vice President!

2012-02-21T16:39:00.001-05:00

Never saved by any bell

2012-02-21T11:36:00.001-05:00

Darkness helped once though!

A lot of you appear to be unraveling

2012-02-21T07:51:00.002-05:00

Or maybe I am just misinterpreting.

Not a drinker

2012-02-20T16:37:00.002-05:00

Though in my distant past, it was quite different.

That's ok. It's just not the thing for me now.

That said, I make no judgements as to others. I know that most people do drink responsibly.

Well anyway once or twice a year, I am at a work dinner function with our Executive staff and/or an important client where I "kind of" have to have an alcoholic drink in front of me.

This is fine. Part of the job.

I end up ordering one or two drinks over the course of the night and nurse them while mingling.

Well we had one of those functions last week.

A friendly colleague of mine who knows of my "drinking status" came up to me and asked (rather mischievously) what I was "drinking".

I told him "gin and tonic".

He asked "why gin and tonic?"

I said, of course, "Cold gin".

I got a smile and a hook 'em horns before he left.*

Best part of the night.

*(Rock & roll warriors never forget)

Ever met a baby named Walter?

2012-02-20T11:11:00.000-05:00

Well, me freaking neither!

The next time you meet someone named Walter, ask them to show you their baby pictures.

They can't!

Something's up, you know.

That guy on the subway this morning fixated on his "High Times" magazine

2012-02-20T07:52:00.000-05:00

Not going to work.

Just a feeling.

Child on red leash watches dog off red leash

2012-02-19T15:55:00.001-05:00

So jealous!

So we can congratulate him too!

2012-02-19T09:46:00.000-05:00

Looks like there will be a job opening soon at ESPN!

2012-02-18T17:19:00.000-05:00

Anybody know a headline writer looking for work?

This is Lake Titicaca

2012-02-18T14:45:00.000-05:00

Look, I didn't say anything, ok?!

Just stating a fact.

Newt's rich backer is dumping $10 million more into his campaign?!

2012-02-18T09:07:00.001-05:00

Probably falls for Nigerian scams too.

Prepays for his home repairs with the "Irish Travellers". (They'll show up one day to do it, I'm sure!)

Still expects to get repaid by Madoff.

Man, I gotta clean this monitor screen!

2012-02-17T15:35:00.001-05:00

Spending WAY too much time trying to remove punctuation............that isn't punctuation.

So birth control is a political issue this year

2012-02-17T11:32:00.001-05:00

That's great because it means I can catch the Beatles when they come around on tour!

She says she'll "help" with a brokered convention

2012-02-17T07:19:00.001-05:00

In other words, "Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! ME!"

Did you know that Lee Harvey Oswald was doing this in that theater when he got caught?

2012-02-16T16:06:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid....

2012-02-16T11:58:00.000-05:00

....I begged and begged my mom for this Angel album.

Never heard a song but I thought the outfits were kinda cool. The drummer looked like he was ready to rock too.

Just begged her to death.

I think she spent like $6 on it.

I listened to it twice.

Sorry mom!

Dave Mustaine endorses Rick Santorum!

2012-02-16T07:15:00.001-05:00

I always knew Metallica made the right call in throwing him out!

17 students from TCU including 4 football players arrested for illegal drugs!

2012-02-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

You do know that their mascot is a purple horned frog?

Makes sense now.

Your choice!

2012-02-15T11:04:00.002-05:00

Obama now crushes GOP field in CBS poll

2012-02-15T07:37:00.000-05:00

Were basically tied three weeks ago.

Keep talking birth control, GOP guys!

Man, I can't even remember what I did for Valentine's Day before Sky Mall!

2012-02-14T15:49:00.000-05:00

Can't escape the gothic

2012-02-14T11:24:00.000-05:00

It's all around you, you know.

In England, they protect their castles!

2012-02-14T07:59:00.001-05:00

They consider them national monuments.

They treasure and cherish them.

Here?

Next year, the Grammy's need to do a tribute and montage to roadies!

2012-02-13T16:12:00.000-05:00

LONG overdue if you ask me!

Two days in a row!

2012-02-13T12:55:00.002-05:00

Somebody sat next to me without leaving a chair between us!

There's a lot of freaks in this country!

The place doesn't even have security!

If Twitter recommends that you follow someone....

2012-02-13T07:47:00.001-05:00

....but a court order says you can't....

....you gotta follow the law, right?

Well, assuming one judge knows about another judge's ruling.

Let me think about this.

Unfortunately, the Whitney Houston tribute at the Grammys....

2012-02-12T22:08:00.000-05:00

....pushes back the Winger tribute at least one more year.

I'll wait.

Those "Tony guys" have it so easy!

2012-02-12T17:28:00.000-05:00

If they flame out in college or whatever, they can always fall back on the family business.

And business is good!

I don't care about any "restocking fee"

2012-02-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

It's going back!

People are cool!

2012-02-12T00:40:00.001-05:00

At the hockey game tonight.

A guy comes up to me and wants to trade seats because he is part of a large party next to us but he and two friends are separated from them in another section. The seats are comparable to ours. That said, these are our season tickets seats and we have had them forever and we chose them years ago over every other seat in the rink.

I can't really say no considering the circumstances so me and my two boys move to the other section. Within 10 minutes, the arena announces the "free pizza row" and it is our "season ticket seat" row that we are not sitting in anymore! First time in 10 years!

I look over at my 9 year old and there are tears streaming down his face. Louis is one tough little hockey player in his own right (nobody plays with more spirit) and not really one to cry but this hit a nerve with him. I am going to buy him a pizza obviously but I am going to wait until the tears dry to tell him.

Fast forward ten minutes and the guy who I switched seats with stops by and gives us the free pizza vouchers. I obviously tell him they are his (his party is going to eat pizza but not him and his two friends?). He says no they are ours and leaves. Of course, I thank him.

People are cool!

This one hypnotist I know uses this video to put his patients "under"

2012-02-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

It's the hockey puck in there that does it.

Helmets should be mandatory in figure skating!

2012-02-11T08:40:00.000-05:00

You know, to discourage kids to get in to the sport.

Not everybody dislikes you!

2012-02-10T16:51:00.001-05:00

Not everybody KNOWS you!

Ok, now that we have heard about JFK's 10,00th affair, we know who the guy on the grassy knoll was

2012-02-10T11:38:00.001-05:00

Pissed off husband.

You know if you think about it, none of the problems in your life were caused by gay marriage

2012-02-10T08:00:00.003-05:00

Nope, not that one.

Or that one either.

Well now you're making stuff up!

Anarchy was kind of cool....

2012-02-09T16:25:00.000-05:00

....but after I got hit by that bottle and spent the night in jail, I switched over to archery.

A world of difference!

Should've started there!

Never judge a book by it's cover!

2012-02-09T11:18:00.001-05:00

Mein Kampf?

Ok, but I'm talkin 'bout most others.

Ever notice that tall people sweat more than regular people?

2012-02-09T08:09:00.000-05:00

Because they're closer to the sun.

There's gradients of heat, you know!

Where you goin'?

Look it up!

Someone in Accounting asked me to give them a hand?

2012-02-08T16:11:00.001-05:00

Probably constitutes a crime against humanity.

"That has to do with our money, right?"

Can't escape the gothic

2012-02-08T11:20:00.000-05:00

It's all around you, you know.

It's ok, you can tell me secrets!

2012-02-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

My memory has been ravaged by alcohol.......and well other stuff.

Do you know how many keys I go through in a year?

I don't ever pay premium price for concerts

2012-02-07T16:37:00.001-05:00

When you have eclectic tastes like me, you can usually just get right up there.

A supply and demand thing.